Unusual reason man pays wife for sex


Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au's weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident expert Isiah McKimmie advises a man who has an unusual system of paying his wife for certain sex acts and how to date when you're a private person.




QUESTION: My question I believe is a bit different than you are used to. Obviously as time goes on in a relationship, things a man desires to happen while being intimate often goes too. Receiving oral sex has always been important to me and I never have any problem giving it if my partner wanted it but that is rare.

Through time this turned into arguments and the more pressure I put on, the harder she would push back. I went well over a year without. As our money is separate due to her being irresponsible, I put forward an idea: Every time she gives me oral sex on its own, from start to climax I pay her $30, which may happen once a fortnight. I book it in and shower once kids are in bed and transfer her the money.

And there are a few other sexual favours outside the norm where I charge 10 events for a price but the deal is when I want it she can't say no, but they are only short which is masturbation that involves her. There are also higher end paying deals which may be anal occasionally for $200.

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At times when she wants to earn more money, she may initiate deals to book in. When it comes to normal sex I don't pay anything which is average once or twice a week, but with kids and the pressures of everyday life, it's pretty quick missionary to fit it in with our night once kids are settled in bed or occupied.

My question is, are these payment deals something that you consider disturbing, or if it works for both of us, is it OK? We've been together eight years and have two young children. I have a high sex drive where I feel I need to ejaculate a minimum of twice a day and that's why I put these offers forward where we both get something from it, or maybe others looking in would think my demand is unreasonable. Please give me your thoughts.

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ANSWER: There are many things about this situation that concern me.

At the very least, this sounds like an unhealthy dynamic that I suspect won't be sustainable or satisfactory for either of you in the long term. At its worst, I'm concerned that there is actually abuse occurring in your relationship.

There's an inherent and significant power imbalance in this exchange.

You're paying your wife for sexual favours. If I put this bluntly: Your wife gets access to finances when she does what you want. This is a sign of financial abuse.

You also have some kind of 'agreement' in place whereby when you want something, your wife isn't able to say no. That means whatever is happening between you isn't consensual. What are the ramifications of her saying 'no' in these situations?

Just because your wife 'has agreed' to this doesn't mean it's not abusive.

Does she really have the option to disagree here?

You've called your wife 'irresponsible' but I'm not willing to just take your word on that. I hear that you see it that way, yet that might only be your perception.

Paying your wife for sex creates a power imbalance. Picture: iStock.
Paying your wife for sex creates a power imbalance. Picture: iStock.

I'm worried that there's more going on than what I'm being told. There are quite a few questions that I'd like answered - both in regards to your financial arrangements and your relationship in general.

• How much do you actually collaborate on your finances?

• How does your wife access money?

• What is she expected to spend her money on?

• Has her earning capacity been impacted due to the relationship or needing to take care of the kids? (I'm sure it has in some way.)

• What is impacting her spending habits - is this something she actually needs help or support with?

I hear that this is an agreement that you've arrived at together in an attempt to make things work between you, but there are healthier ways you could do this.

Your current approach does nothing to build real intimacy or to help cultivate your wife's sexual desire.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.
Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

When we're in some way forced to do something that we don't want to do, our desire for it decreases over time. Are you at all concerned about your wife's enjoyment of the practices you're engaging in? My suspicion is that your wife will one day grow tired of the trade you're currently doing or that either one of you will end up looking for real sexual satisfaction elsewhere.

You might also find it helpful to examine your 'need to ejaculate at a minimum of twice a day'. If you presented to me in therapy, I would certainly be assessing for compulsive behaviour and addiction.

Quite honestly, I recommend that you take a serious look at the relationship dynamics occurring between you and consider getting professional support.

I agree that having sexual intimacy in a relationship is a valid need - and you need to work together to find outcomes that work for both of you. Although desire often fades in a long-term relationship, there are steps you can take to regain it and have a satisfying intimate life together - ones that don't involve coercion or a quid pro quo approach.

If you, or anyone you know, needs help call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) or Lifeline 13 11 14

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QUESTION: I've been alone for the last nine years and I guess it never worried me until I started working on this project. I've had some horrendous experiences there and it has rocked my confidence. I am very private so would not do internet dating. Last year only one person asked me out and he was 15 years younger.

There was this one man I would see before I got to work and would say good morning to every now and then. Every time I would see him my heart would flutter and time stood still. That was one year's worth of looking at each other and yielded no results.

Now I find myself totally shutting off and just keeping to myself. What can I do to reverse this and perhaps find a partner?

ANSWER: Firstly, I want to acknowledge you for admitting that this is a challenge and something you want to work on. That in itself can be challenging and painful - it takes courage.

From your description of yourself as 'very private' and having been 'alone for the last nine years', I suspect you've been 'shut off' for a long time, but that things have escalated or built up more recently.

How do you date when you’re a private person? Picture: iStock
How do you date when you’re a private person? Picture: iStock

I suspect it would be beneficial for you to examine your relationship history and what is known as your 'attachment style'. Our attachment style is formed early on in our life and is like a blueprint for how we do relationships later on. Understanding the relationships you had with your parents and the relationship they had together can help explain why you might behave certain ways in a relationship and the challenge we might experience around connection and intimacy.

Relationships always requires a kind of vulnerability.

There's a risk in opening up and making ourselves available, but we simply can't have intimacy without it. You'll need to begin practising this and becoming more comfortable with it. Do you have the kind of intimacy and closeness with your friends that you want?

Seeing a therapist can help. Therapy is useful for understanding ourselves better and gives us an opportunity to practice our skills for relating in a safe space - there's a degree of opening up and allowing yourself to be seen required in therapy

How many people did you ask out in the last year?

If you do want a relationship, you'll need to do more than sit back and hope that something lands on your lap. Just saying hello to someone every now and then isn't necessarily enough for it to 'yield results', despite the butterflies that you might have felt.

You need to put yourself out there. Flirt. Initiate conversation. Let potential dates know that you're available - both energetically and verbally.

Choosing not to do internet dating is a fair choice. Internet dating is one of the fastest and easiest ways to meet potential dates and hone your chatting and dating skills, but I understand that it requires an investment of time and energy and isn't for everyone.

Look for other ways of meeting potential dates. Think about social events you could go to or social clubs that you could join to get yourself back out there.