Trad translated: What Budget speech actually meant
Queensland Treasurer Jackie Trad has delivered her second State Budget. Here's what she actually meant in her speech to Parliament.
1. What she said: "Today I deliver a Queensland budget unashamedly focused on our regions.'' What she meant: "I want to make a formal apology to regional Queensland for the Australian Labor Party's entire 2019 Federal Election Campaign."
2. What she said: "I do so because Queensland is the most decentralised state in the Federation.'' What she meant: "I keep forgetting you still wield extraordinary political muscle.''
3. What she said: "A state that relies ... on the character and resilience of its regional communities.'' What she meant: "I don't want to harp on this theme but, seriously, I am deeply sorry about that campaign - unforgiveable!''
4. What she said: "A state that relies, more than any other, on the strength of the regional cities and towns.'' What she meant: "Forgive us, I beseech you!''
5. What she said: "Mr Speaker, this is a budget for regional Queensland.'' What she meant: "And If Bob Brown leads a Green convoy up north during the state election campaign I swear to God I'll sic a flock of black-throated finches on him.''
6. What she said: "When our regions do well, all of Queensland does well.'' What she meant:
"And I hope to God their little beaks are sharp.''
7. What she said: "Since 2015 the Palaszczuk Government has invested $29 billion in infrastructure outside of Brisbane.'' What she meant: "You West End vegans can choke on your soy latte and brown rice, because we're serving up coke and sausage rolls in the year ahead.''
8. What she said: "We choose to prepare our state for the future by investing in new industries and skills.'' What she meant: "Bear with me. This is just a set up line for the one that follows.''
9. What she said: "We choose NOT to cut, sack and sell.'' What she meant: "Just letting little ol' Campbell Newman off the leash for another romp through the electoral sub conscious. We do it every year.''
10. What she said: "And we make these choices because our economic plan is working to create jobs. What she meant: "Seriously, that man is the gift that never stops giving."
11. What she said: "In the long term there is no greater threat to job creation than climate change.'' What she meant: "Let me just pause here, remove my shoes, and begin to tread ever so delicately across this electoral minefield.''
12. What she said: "And it is places like Queensland where regional jobs matter so much that stand to lose the most." What she meant: "I know a lot you regional types are a little sceptical about climate change, but it's kinda, sorta, well... a tiny little bit true.''
13. What she said: "Queenslanders know better than anyone how these events devastate the economy and damage the budget bottom line.'' What she meant: "And it costs a bomb.''
14. What she said: "So because of the environmental emergency unfolding over decades, the government has an immediate economic responsibility.'' What she meant: "We might have to do a teeny, weeny little bit of tweaking in public policy to help avoid the impending destruction of the human race.''
15. What she said: "And that's why we are pursuing a range of initiatives to lower emissions and create more renewable energy.'' What she meant: "But you'll still get the Adani coal mine.''
16. What she said: "We will achieve surpluses in every year of the forward estimates period.''
What she meant: "Because we kind of still need those coal royalties.''
17. What she said: "We will continue to see the net worth of the state grow.'' What she meant: "Bloody coal! Like a rich old aunt you can't stand who keeps giving you hideously expensive birthday gifts.''
18. What she said: "And by 2021, for the first time, the state's net worth will be more than $200 billion." What she meant: "But she's family, so you gotta put up with her.''