Terrible decisions are delivered across the board at two Married At First Sight vow renewal ceremonies on Monday night, with both choices no doubt leading to the same kind of regret one feels the morning after inhaling a styrofoam box full of Maccas hot cakes while hunched in a gutter at 2am.

One wife pulls a last-second 180, but it's not the wife we hope. 'Nuff said.

After the past week of final dates and the final dinner party, we find ourselves on the first of two final days, preparing for the final vow renewal ceremonies which, of course, are the precursor to the final reunion and probably seven other episodes where the word "final" is incorporated into the promo branding.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Damning phone call in Bryce affair twist

Obviously Bleep! is still on everyone's lips. And why wouldn't she be? It's not exactly easy to just forget about someone like Bleep!

After Melissa confronted Bryce about Bleep! last night, they decided to skip the final dinner party so as to avoid the angry mob.

Kerry and Johnny are baited by producers into going down to Bryce and Melissa's apartment to see what's going down. They rehash the dinner party and the loudspeaker phone call about Bleep!

The most interesting thing about this conversation is that Kerry's wearing a statement fedora indoors.

A statement fedora indoors will always outshine an alleged affair.
A statement fedora indoors will always outshine an alleged affair.

"My small group of friends know Samantha from her hairdressing business that she used to have," Bryce tells Kerry and Johnny when questioned about Samantha's exposé on Bleep! "And they've said, in a polite way, that she's crazy. She's known to be a compulsive liar."

Mhhhm. Mhmm. Yes. I've heard that about hairdressers, too. Compulsive liars - the lot of 'em. They get you all excited by saying they're gonna give you that beachy, bedhead look but, what they don't tell you is, no one's hair ever looks good after the beach or bed. It just looks like your head's been wedged between some couch cushions. Enough with the lies, hairdressers! Sea salt spray is a scam and more people need to talk about it.

And so are hairdressers.
And so are hairdressers.

Johnny and Kerry suggest Bryce call Bleep! on loudspeaker, right now - in front of his wife - to prove there's nothing going on. He refuses - and instead flips the situation on Melissa by making her feel guilty for even asking him to do it. It's a really healthy arguing tactic. Try it in your own relationship!

They pack up their crap and head their separate ways for a week to contemplate what decision they'll make at the vow renewal ceremony.

Bryce basically shrugs and mumbles, "See ya". Melissa is devastated.

"It was absolutely disappointing that was our final moment together," she holds back tears in the lift. "It was almost emotionless. I'm devastated to end the experiment on that final note."

Great! You should cut him out of your life like he's a lying hairdresser.

Meanwhile, producers try creating the illusion of tension between Johnny and Kerry in an attempt to make us interested in their final decisions. It's cute they think we care. We didn't come here for well-adjusted unions. Spoiler alert: They stay together. Next!

Ew, happiness.
Ew, happiness.

Thank gosh Alana is here to offer some more tumultuous undertones.

"I don't believe Jason is ready to settle down. I just don't believe this could work on the outside. So, I have to walk away," she informs us. "I just hope he makes the same decision."

Well, who knows. Maybe he will make the same decision? He might just be more perceptive than we think. Perhaps he has recognised that this will never work and just decide to leav-

"You will be an amazing wife and mother of my children," he gushes to her. "I can't deny my feelings any longer. An I'm ready to finally, say this out loud. I'm falling in love with you, Alana, and I can't wait to go back to sunny Queensland with you for our happily ever after."

Oh boy. All right, Alana. You're up. Tell this man you don't wanna have his babies.

She looks down at the sand, closes her eyes and tries to distract herself from crying by focusing on the sound of the waves crashing behind her.

"We fight," she blurts out. "And I can't deal with the way you speak to me. There have been countless examples of double standards. You hurt me really, really badly. I truly believe you are not ready to settle down."

Jason can tell where this is going. There's a grip tightening around his heart and he prepares to have it ripped from his chest.

Alana studies her handwritten notes before looking back up into her husband's eyes. What would happen if she didn't say the final few words that are written on the paper in her hands? What if they just left right now and solved their differences the way they've always done in this experiment: by sleeping in separate apartments for a week and then having sex.

She drops the note cards, goes off-script and pulls a 180 on her decision. "I have liked you through the experiment - I've liked you so much. We've got some huge issues to get through but, if you're willing to try, I'm willing to try. I wanna see if we can work it out."

Jason, yet again, looks like a toddler who has just woken up from a really long nap.

Oi, Jason, look alive.
Oi, Jason, look alive.

"Did you just change your mind just then?" he asks.

She nods as her abandoned note cards flutter down the beach, because this show hasn't littered the earth in enough ways.

Jason’s so excited about the sex-fest they’re about to embark on that he doesn’t even realise he was just about to get dumped on TV.
Jason’s so excited about the sex-fest they’re about to embark on that he doesn’t even realise he was just about to get dumped on TV.

Away from glitzy beaches and lush botanic gardens, we find ourselves in a nondescript suburb on an overcast day, ready to attend Bryce and Melissa's ceremony.

"Melissa's the kindest, most generous person I've ever met," Bryce gushes to us ahead of the vow renewal.

Cool. That must be a nice change of pace for you.

As Melissa gets ready for the ceremony, all the bad memories of her marriage come flooding back. Playing on loop in her head is a recording of all the insensitive, offensive things her husband has said to her.

"I'll be honest, you're not my type. But you're not … ugly?" his words echo.

"I've always gone for the blonde hair, blue eyes, tanned kind of girls. I can't say I'd 100 per cent come up to you in a bar."

She shuts her eyes and furrows her brow as she remembers the Hot Or Not list where he ranked her in fourth place.

"I think my decision is going to shock everybody," she says.

Oh boy. We know what this means.

Even the producers have given up. That's why they splashed out all the budget on really beautiful ceremony locations for everyone else and, for Melissa and Bryce, they're just using this random suburban house.

As if Melissa hasn’t been through enough, now she’s being made trudge down a muddy driveway.
As if Melissa hasn’t been through enough, now she’s being made trudge down a muddy driveway.

At the ceremony, Bryce insists on going first.

"I have fallen in love with you. And I can't wait to start our life together," he smiles.

OK, you're up Mel. Time to shock us.

"I have written and rewritten these vows, trying to be as sensitive and inoffensive as I've always been," Melissa reads aloud her handwritten notes. "But this is the most important decision of my life and I can't be blasé. So I need to be completely and brutally honest with you."

She gives the roll call of drama and says he inflamed all her insecurities. She's sounding angry. Ooh! Maybe she will shock us. Melissa has found her voice and she's not tolerating anymore of Bryce's bull-

"But despite the rumour and the conflict, I know deep down in my heart that I have never felt this way about anyone," her monologue takes a sudden turn. "I cannot imagine my life without you. And I can absolutely say with certainty that I am in love with you."

Ugh. Knew it.

Will they last? Huh. We'd have more luck achieving the beachy bedhead look.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

 

 

Originally published as 'Toxic' MAFS couple's baffling decision