The place where celebs go to die
Make room in the crypt, Australia - we've got another one.
One more battered and bruised celebrity has rolled up on our shores in an attempt to revamp their career. This week, it was Lindsay Lohan who washed up. We ran over and wrapped a towel around her pale shoulders and offered her some fruit and a gig on network television.
She touched down on Thursday ahead of filming for Ten's new show The Masked Singer Australia and the notoriously dishevelled star was papped stumbling through Sydney airport wearing a red puffer vest. She seemed genuinely touched that we made such a fuss.
Not to sound ungrateful, but it seems Australia gets the short end of the stick when it comes to celebrity trade-offs with the US. We surrender Margot and Nicole and Cate and they gift us Lindsay and the least-hot Jonas brother.
It's always celebs on their last legs and we're tasked with bringing them back to life. Mel B desperately crawled back here several times over the years begging for coins. We've had Boy George and his hats. A Madden brother. Which one? Who could say.
Most recently we've been sheltering that lady from Destiny's Child who's not Beyonce. Not Beyonce is probably my favourite of all the people we've rescued.
The list is endless but we're all genuinely excited that Lindsay's here and we can't wait to make her feel welcome. The Masked Singer Australia is going to be a wild ride and we're pumped to see how it all unfolds/unravels/spirals out of control with Lindsay in the mix as a panellist alongside Jackie O, Dave Hughes and Dannii Minogue.
I'd happily just watch a looped video of her dancing and showing us how to throw a party in Mykonos, bitch (please Google if that makes no sense, we don't waste words on pesky things like context in this column).
Where's she staying? How is she spending her days? Will she attempt to mildly-kidnap another child and, more importantly, what accents will she choose to use and will they change each episode? (Again, Google).
It might even be the change she needs to get her career back on track for good. Now that everyone's demanding George Calombaris be fired for not knowing how to use a calculator, she's the obvious choice to fill his place on MasterChef.
DEB KNIGHT'S DAY-AND-NIGHT SPLIT SHIFT
Deb Knight is being run ragged.
And no, that's not a dig at her appearance. You can't swing an idiom these days without whacking an overly sensitive person in the face.
She's being run ragged because of all the double split shifts she's being given over at Channel 9. Whoever's doing the roster clearly isn't paying attention.
The boss let everyone go on holidays at the same time and now Deb's being made pick up the slack. Georgie Gardner's crapped off and evening newsreader Peter Overton hasn't been seen for days. All week, Deb's been hosting Today, then taking a quick nap under Tracy Grimshaw's ACA desk before waking up in time to host the evening news bulletin - and then bumping up again the next day at the crack of dawn to host Today.
The bosses can't even bring themselves to swallow their pride and bring Karl back for the week. He's just sitting right there in the warehouse doing nothing, anyway.
Who knows, Deb could just be a workaholic with a very "make hay while the sun shines" attitude. If you're at a Westfield today, keep an eye out. She's probably also pulling a shift at Myer Bondi Junction.
AUSTRALIA, YOU HAVE A NEW HERO
In a world ruled by Kmart mums, you've got to be brave to take them on. One woman has in the form of a Facebook page: Kmart Unhacks & Roasts. The page is dedicated to offering firm feedback on all the latest homewares trends - from "coffee stations" to "toilet set-ups" (they're both actual things now).
I spoke to the mystery woman behind the page this week and she's honestly the most sensible person in the country right now.
"I just started seeing insanity," she said about all the Kmart mum Facebook groups where people share their "hacks". "People were contacting everything and I couldn't cope."
She knows the dangers she'd face if her identity got out - that's why she remains anonymous. Kmart mums are not to be messed with - who knows what revenge they'd seek. They could cover her car in contact, or worse - break in and decorate her toilet.
YOUR REGRETS: REPRINTED WITHOUT PERMISSION
Growing up in north Queensland, all the straight boys in town had this really fun past time where they'd drive past you in their beat-up Commodores and yell, "GAY!"
It was just super neat for everyone involved. I like to think of this column as our own beat-up Commodore and, every Sunday, we drive by unsuspecting people and yell out half-baked and offensive opinions at them before screeching off.
It hit home for a lot of people - and by that, I mean people with lower-back tattoos. Monty Dimond from The 3pm Pick-up on KIIS bravely came forward to share the regret attached to the butterfly etched on her lower-back.
One reader shared this private note which I'll now publish nationally without her permission: "My tramp stamp is dolphins, leaping into my butt crack! I don't need this kind of regret drilled into me, when I don't even have trampy memories to validate the cringe-worthy bad decision!"
We've all got our own cross to bear. I had a Meg Ryan haircut, I cannot judge.
It's been a pleasure having you in the beat-up Commodore today.
Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir