Bachelor villain's trick rocks the mansion


A mediocre cheese platter has ignited fury and divided The Bachelor mansion on Wednesday night - the pathetic excuse for a grazing board providing an explosive conclusion to an episode that featured a horny chocolatier and some losers we thought we got rid of a million years ago.

Obviously we led with the more interesting and newsworthy part about the substandard cheese platter.


Wednesday night begins and, my my, what do we have here? A total blast from the past. The Bachelor success stories Sam and Snez and Matty J and Laura have rolled up on our doorstep to impart wisdom. Wisdom on what? Life. Love. And how to stay relevant armed with nothing but an Instagram account and a teeth-whitening kit.

We don't know why Tim Robards and Anna Heinrich aren't invited tonight. They're the original success story. And they'll literally show up to anything - just look at their Instagram. Who knows, maybe Tim's too busy inventing more exercise which is really no excuse because Sam also invents exercise for a living and he found the time to be here.

And what about Georgia Love and Lee? They just got engaged this week - and Georgia still works at Channel 10. They wouldn't have even had to pay her - she's already on the payroll and in the building. Why weren't they invited? I hope they all feel very awkward now.

Anyway, Laura and Snez run off to interrogate the girls and pick just one to come to a dinner. Meanwhile, Matty J and Sam and Matt stand around in a kitchen pretending to chop vegetables.

Laura and Snez choose Helena and she's super excited but we immediately warn her to lower all expectations - after all, she's spending an evening with two pregnant ladies and a personal trainer. Have fun sipping tap water and eating your salad. Maybe they'll go wild and serve something made out of carob and peanut butter for dessert and everyone will pretend like it's delicious when it actually just tastes rubbish.

mmm tap water sah delicious, was this sourced locally?
mmm tap water sah delicious, was this sourced locally?

Producers obviously think they can replicate the electric atmosphere of Married At First Sight's dinner parties. Nice try. Unless Matty J gets lip fillers and Snez chases Laura around the dining table with a broken wine glass while wearing a hydrating face mask, we're not interested. Instead, the whole dinner party conversation is dedicated to workshopping what everyone's babies' Instagram handles will be.

We're so bored with the evening we tell everyone we've had a bad reaction to the tap water and kick them out.

The following day we return to regularly scheduled programming which involves a date and a helicopter and I've honestly never been happier to see a Red Balloon voucher.

Producers know Emma is way too attached to Matt so they decide to play mind games and give her the date. Building up false hope in vulnerable contestants is the crux of this show and it's just great to get back to basics.

Today's date involves making chocolate which, traditionally, is always a very boring date on this show. But they've spiced it up by finding a horny chocolatier.

"We can add aphrodisiacs into the chocolate!" she winks at them and, honestly horny chocolatier lady, you can keep your weird sex chocolate.

Stop peddling your sex chocolate, this is a classy program.
Stop peddling your sex chocolate, this is a classy program.

We tell the horny chocolatier that we're still full from all the delicious carob we ate last night and hand over our serving to Emma.

She's already way too into Matt and eating all this sex chocolate just pushes her over the edge. Within a matter of minutes, the aphrodisiacs really take hold. She launches in and tries to force-pash Matt. Thank god he brought his Taser - he zaps her right in the neck.

Take that bish.
Take that bish.

She immediately loses her grip of Matt and falls to the floor, shaking violently.

"I'm so excited to see where our future takes us," a dazed and confused Emma mutters. "My heart skips a beat when I'm kissing Matt."

We tell her it skipped a beat because she was Tasered and then we skip out of Willy Wonka's Sex Chocolate Factory.

By the time we get back to the mansion and innocently distribute sex chocolate to all the ladies, it's time for the cocktail party.

Osher crashes with two date cards and the girls are tasked with fighting to the death - whichever two ladies are left standing win the cards. At first, everyone does that thing where they stand back and pretend to be gracious, but grace is for losers and Sogand just reaches out and grabs the first card. Elly steals the second one fair and square, but then Abbie gets in the way with her lies and tricks. Vintage Abbie. She fake cries and says she has a major conversation she needs to have with Matt. Elly's nice and, by that, we mean she's a total push over so she caves and gives the card to Abbie.

Elly immediately learns a valuable lesson I learned in preschool: You will always regret being nice.

"I'm a bloody idiot," Elly sighs to us and we agree.

What's the major conversation Abbie needs to have with Matt? Oh, you know. It's about this and that. Everything but also nothing at all.

There is no major conversation, you fools! She made it up. She spends her entire date with Matt literally providing a running commentary on the cheese platter.

"Oooh raspberries! This is a new platter!" she beams and we get a really big close-up of the cheese platter. It's honestly not that impressive. Some young producer has just slapped it together with whatever crap they found at the bottom of the mansion's fridge. There's not even a tub of that overpriced Maggie Beer quince paste. The budget is clearly dwindling. I've seen more impressive grazing boards in the Kmart mum Facebook groups - those bitches know how to graze.

We don’t have time for mediocre cheese platters.
We don’t have time for mediocre cheese platters.

We're already underwhelmed by the cheese platter but the disappointment soon spreads. After begging for this date card and stealing it from Elly, Abbie returns to the girls and tells them all the very deep and meaningful things she discussed with Matt.

"We ate cheese," she tells them bluntly. "And we got raspberries. It was very special because it was on the cheese platter and then we got to eat the cheese. I got a raspberry and that's all that really matters. You know what I mean? I got a fresh raspberry."

And … that's … it.

Never before has a cheese platter divided the mansion like this. Everyone is furious. Some are angry because they've never got to experience the sweet and salty sensation of having raspberries on their cheese platters. But mostly everyone is miffed because Abbie begged for the date card and then wasted the opportunity by just crapping on about a mediocre cheese platter.

"I just find it really disrespectful that she comes back and is waffling on about a friggin' raspberry!" Elly rants to us. "I'm pretty annoyed at Abbie because of her nonsense. I didn't get to talk to Matt tonight and now I'm absolutely brickin' it."

We hope Matt will see through Abbie and her tricks but he doesn't. Sogand is sent home. For weeks, she has made it her mission to bring down Abbie. She is unsuccessful.

As Matt walks her to the Uber, we wait for her to warn him about the dangers attached to Abbie. She stays silent.

"Matt's getting played and he has no idea. It's all a sick game to her," she tells us in the back seat as the Uber drives away.

We're all fed up with Abbie and her lies. We want to live in a Bachelor mansion that honours truth and respect. Well, that's a lie. More than anything, we just want to live in a Bachelor mansion that offers a half-decent cheese platter.

For more observations on Tasers and how to select the right Instagram handle for your newborn baby, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir