How to ruin your finances and take your children to court

Dear How Do I: Business?

My father left me his shoe business and I've been running it since I was eighteen.

I never knew him but my mother says he was a British bloke who came here briefly and bought the shop off a local on a whim.

I need some help selling the place so I can move on and fulfill my dream of being a guitarist. I think they call it 'succession planning'.

Who should I talk to?

James Zepplin


Dear James,

The prestige of the professional musician is a noble goal, and far less likely to give you tinea, so I applaud your decision.

As far as succession planning is concerned, my advice would be to consult a trusted accountant or even a financial planner who hasn't been sent to jail yet.

You mentioned that your father fled the scene of your birth like a motorist who's killed a cyclist, did you ever track him down?

I only ask because it might turn out that he's rich. For all we know he could have been, say, the guitarist for the greatest band of all time.

If that's the case, you really don't need much in the way of business acumen. In fact, your years of successful business management won't be nearly as useful as just inheriting vast sums of money.

So find out who your father is, you could be sitting on a coal mine.

This is, as always, a satirical column and in no way related to reality or good business advice. Please don't sue me.