How to fail at coffee and ignore the disclaimer

Dear How Do I: Business?

I run a coffee shop in Brisbane and I'm watching as similar businesses around me go broke.

Things aren't looking so crash hot for me either, but I've just read the BRW's most innovative list and it got me to thinking, that's what I should do.

We're a fun little coffee shop with a regular clientelle, what kind of innovations should we be looking at?

Gloria Dean


Dear Gloria,

Don't innovate, it's a trap.

Economists have long known that markets expand and deflate in regular cycles, much like the population of a herd.

Innovation is the way a bad economy culls industries - the weak ones panic, change, and ultimately stop giving customers what they want in the process.

What customers want has never changed. They want hot coffee, they want it yesterday, and they want to pretend the pretty barista will have an affair with them.

If you deviate from the plan, customers will punish you. Your business will die and your loved ones will abandon you.

Alan Bond was full of innovation and look what happened to him. He harpooned his own business so badly that he was sent to prison.

Google is a perfect example of not innovating. They put ads in popular places, sit back, and count the money.

Stick to the script and you'll be the last one standing.

As always, this column is satirical and taking it seriously will only result in your business crashing and burning worse than Mal Meninga's political career.