Kieran Bicheno
Kieran Bicheno Thaii Chung

How to elect mud and love Tom Waterhouse

William Hill buys Tom Waterhouse's online betting

UK Bookmaking giant William Hill has bought out Tom Waterhouse's online betting business.

The $34 million deal could become worth $110 million if Australians keep flushing their money.

Mr Waterhouse now plans to start a Children's charity and host a series of daytime cooking shows.

Dredging decision delayed for election result

The decision to dredge 3 million cubic metres of material near the Great Barrier Reef has been delayed pending Federal Election's outcome.

The dredge will free up space for the Abbot Point terminal to expand, and then not, then expand, and then not.

It's hoped the election result will accustom businesses to having 3 million cubic metres of waste dumped on them.

Positive job figures help Labor dodge Opposition attacks

The headline jobless figure stayed steady at 5.7% this month despite all other job figures collapsing.

Economists are calling this election a war between spending and tax cuts as the driving forces of job creation.

Unemployed are calling this election a war between two idiots trying to fight a recession with contractionary policy.

Coalition promises to slash tax rate for businesses

Businesses have welcomed Abbott's plan to decrease the business tax rate but don't want to pay for parental leave.

Australian Chamber of Commerce and Industry CEO Peter Anderson said the plan was sensible, not radical.

Ambulances were called for the three heart-attacks caused by Anderson using the word "radical" so close to Chamber members.

New home lending continues to grow

Experts are calling construction the new mining as new home lending rose again during June 2013.

Home builders have faced a slow climb out of the GFC to be potential economic saviours.

"It's as if we had an influx of population driving the need for dwellings," said one builder, being careful not to look at Indonesia.

This column is a work of satire and may not be appropriate for PR teams who've had too much coffee or not enough sex.