Kieran Bicheno
Kieran Bicheno Thaii Chung

How to sell tiles on radio and be hated by everyone

Hellooooo Dear How Do I: Business?

This week my latest advertising campaign has done very poorly. My sales have been slashed by 30% or more.

That's right, my sales have fallen by 30% or more but only since this Sunday.

Am I not slashing my prices enough?

I'm advertising on radio as much as I can and I have a website for details.

My beautiful range of polished porcelain floor tiles have been sitting there, alone, unwanted.

What am I doing wrong?


Polished Porcelain

Dear Porcelain

Let me sort this out now.

We know who you are and we know what you're selling.

We hear your ad on the radio every five minutes and it's put most of us in therapy.

Your ad needs to stop.

If it doesn't stop we will rise. As a people we will band together, united in hatred and our single burning desire to cleanse the airwaves of that vexatious noise.

Alone, then in groups, then as communities we will slink away to secret places where we will train. Arts long taboo will be reborn as instruments of deadly silence.

Our children will learn only that the signal must be stopped, and your voice will be a beacon unto their unholy machinations.

As if at once the sun will die, your stores will empty, and the radio will be silenced. Then the people will erase your ads from existence. God will weep, and time will cease.

Such is our hatred of your ad campaign.

This column is satirical and is not a representation of fact. Emails from lawyers requesting that we take the post down are enjoyed then ignored.