How to run a church and terrify young children

I FELT called to do God's work as a minister after my brother was exposed in an affair.

I now have my own church in Greenmount and have been active in chaplaincy programs teaching morality to young people.

The only problem is that I'm having trouble keeping the business side of my church going.

I have faith that things will work, but God helps those who help themselves, so I'm coming to you for advice.

Reverend Don Lamancha

Hi Don,

If there's anything we need more of in this state, it's Christian morality.

You can see it in the lewd and libidinous behaviour of this year's schoolies.

If you haven't already, getting a government contract to combat these future bankers and werenudists would be lucrative and engaging.

The rise of the NBN also raises the opportunity to release your own line of cyber safety products for parents and kids.

Why not take your chaplaincy online?

Chatting with young people about sex education in their own environment is a great way of getting your message across.

Keep in mind that youths listen more to their peers, so it might be worthwhile pretending to be a teen when you're chatting.

Once the NBN hits, you could reliably use a webcam too, so you'll be making bank-like profits in no time.

The advice in this column is provided as a guide only, if you truly want to go to jail in the most humiliating way possible, follow the advice given here and kiss your reputation goodbye.